my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
