I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Semen is not good for contacts.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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