The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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