I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
