she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
