All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
