Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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