Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
