I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
