I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
