There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
