I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
