i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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