i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
