maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
