This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
