Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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