I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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