Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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