i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
