my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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