My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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