My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
