Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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