I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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