you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
