you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
