If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
