I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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