Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
