i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I feel like abortions should bother me more
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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