The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
