Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
