Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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