whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
