Jerry, you need to find god
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
