She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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