the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
