It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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