Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
