It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
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Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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