Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
