Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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