I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
