You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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