Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
