In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
