Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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