that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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