3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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