the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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