my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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