I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
