i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
